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From Her My Beloved, I can't stop thinking about this movie I saw last night. Their love seemed so true and so real - yet in the end, he shunned her and returned to his wife. Instead of two people in love it became he trying to do the right thing and she seemingly crazy with obsession. Why is it when one falls out of love the one left becomes, in the eyes of all, a pitiful, spiteful creature who can't let go? Who should blame her for going a bit mad? Why should her love be twisted into something piteous simply because the other no longer returns the affection? Should she, too, then be able to so easily let go - to forget their love as he has so simply done? What of love, then? She cried and became mad - taking it out on everyone around her. And she appeared to be nasty and fanatical - but how is one supposed to act when their love has suddenly up and fallen out of love with them?! Should she be sane, then? And if so, what of Love?? The movie upset me, and I suppose I couldn't have watched it at a worse time - right after that awful dream. And then I just cried, thinking of you falling out of love with me - and remembering that feeling - cold, alone, broken, lost, despair-ridden, empty, devastated, angry, mad - I was more acutely aware of my, no "our", fragile vulnerability wherein the other is concerned. And I, for the first time in a long time, was terrified of you and how very simply you could destroy me. Utterly. I'll not live again to see that look in another's eyes - the aggravation and contempt - beloved eyes dead of any love left for me! And I, unable to let go - straggling behind like some stupid, kicked puppy. I could not let go so easily. I was the stray he couldn't be rid of - the once loved yet now burdensome pet that had been dropped off on some road yet kept coming back. My love made me a fool - a pitiful, contemptuous and mad fool. It bared the weakest of my soul to the world - and the world, though it should, did not understand. And I was left alone with my dying heart - alone with the promises of "I'll always be there" ringing in my head and mocking me. And the heart grew cold, and did die. It was buried in a stone chamber, that was though to be impenetrable to protect it's cold and dead form. The head learned hurtful, yet valuable lessons. That promises were made to be broken, that true Love was never true, and trust was for the foolish - or as yet unmarred. And the body slowly slid back into the pantomimes of life - painfully and slowly forgetting loving caresses, warm cuddling and the pure act of making love. Yes, the entire body was reborn anew - colder, harder, and mistrustful. A broken being, but a being that had survived nonetheless. It played and picked at life with a cautious air, vowing to never let the tomb of its heart be opened again. Even the resurrected cannot survive a second death. Yet then, there you were. Breaking down my walls, stealing away the precious treasures entombed therein. Treasures made for another and thrown back - now lying useless. You brought them back to life. Once again the mind whirled alive with forgotten melodies - singing the chorus of love and life renewed. Again the body began to awaken and remember how it felt to be touched and adored. The rush of found love coursed through every vein and pumped life back into my dead heart - exposed now around crumbled stone walls. You have killed me as surely as if you had pierced my heart with a blade. You have broken me open, laid me out for the elements! A weak, naked and trusting child - ready for slaughter and staring up at her executioner with adoration in her eyes. I'd not see the blade swing for Love is Blind. You have become a part of me - an essential part - as necessary as the breath I take in to sustain my life. As vital as the blood that runs through my veins and pumps life into my heart. You constantly tell me this very story, in so many words, declaring that you would die if I were to leave you. How could I leave you, fool?! To do so would kill me as well! Don't you see that we are now forever bound to one another - we have embedded ourselves so deeply in the other that neither could survive without! As Cathy said to Heathcliff, "I love my murderer." As do I. Please don't fall out of love with me! Please don't throw me back into the cruel world to face it alone as if yesterday's paper! Love me...forever. Never break your promise to always be there! Please don't leave me alone with our Love. Always, S. - - | - Link Back -
From Him My Everything, It's quite the task at the moment trying to find the words to describe the bittersweet hell-haven feeling I'm currently experiencing because of two of the most beautiful pieces of paper I've yet to encounter! Was that all in one breath? Seriously, babe - you really did a number on me with this letter. I had to cover my face up with my blanket and quietly let 'em flow. What can I say, I love you MORE! As hard as that may be to fathom, it's nonetheless true. It's most definitely magic the way we read and feel each other from such distances. That's why I've no choice but to believe in US as complete and utter truth. I, too, couldn't possibly imagine life without you. Now that I'm aware of what I need to fulfuill, I'll NEVER allow you the comfort of such contentment as if I never even existed! You're stuck with me, as well, my Love...forever! This is the 2nd time you've mentioned marriage within the last few weeks. Are you okay? I REALLY LIKE that song, "Broken" by Seether. I've only heard it a couple of times, and I can feel you presence within its tune each time. Yes, my Beloved, I so forgive you. I was worried, and there were moments of a smidgen of doubt - but for the most part, you're right, I KNEW... I know what we have and it's not something that either one of us can truly control when it boils down to brass tacks. Your leaving me would be the death of us both and vise-versa, so why even attempt the fight any longer. True Love shall prevail over whatever we may shuffle or spit in its path. So as my Love for you shall be until my entity no longer exists amongst the forces of life, you ARE and forever shall be MY EVERYTHING! All yours, J. - - | - Link Back -
From Her i wanted you to know i love the way you laugh I cannot imagine how I got through life, and the pains of life, without you as a part of mine. Nothing I've ever done became real until there was you. Finding you was the most amazing, beautiful and bittersweet thing that has ever happened to me. Having you love me and be a part of my life is nothing short of a miracle. I am nothing without you as my other half. "For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul." - Judy Garland i wanna hold you high and steal your pain away Words cannot begin to express how much I miss you. Going through the obstacles life has thrown in my path in the past few weeks without you has made them all the more unbearable. Not having your voice over the phone to comfort me when I needed you the most, not being able to relax in your embrace and, for a moment, forget the rest of the world even existed, has been so painful. Not being able to be there for you because I was so caught up in my own mess tore at my heart; even if you didn't know it. "I'll lean on you and you lean on me and we'll be okay." - Dave Matthews Band i keep your photograph i know it serves me well As a little girl, I often dreamed of having one true Love. As a dreamy-eyed teenager, my romantic concepts led me to become engrossed in books and stories about star-crossed lovers. While the idea of two soulmates destined to be kept apart is great fodder for a gripping novel, the reality of such a fate is a terrible burden for two hearts to bear. I know we will have our chance, someday. Until then, living life without you is pain I cannot put into words. A pain we both share, yet experience so differently in relation to our dissimilar lifestyles. Experiencing the little pains of life and the great joys without you is... A part of me dies when I go through some great experience (positive or negative) and know that, not only can my Love not experience a normal life, I have to experience it alone. It is a double-edged sword. Pain for you, pain for me...pain for us. Absence from whom we love is worse than death, and frustrates hope severer than despair. - William Cowper 'cause i'm broken when i'm open and i don't feel like i am strong enough Sometimes, I don't know where I find the strength. I don't know where either of us do. But we go on; somehow. I hate when we feel like we've failed one another; the guilt of it tears us in two. But is not a testimony to our great and deep Love for each other that the thought of not being there for the other, of failing the other in any way, literally destroys us? I was wrong when I said that it merely meant we were two strange people obsessed with the idea of a fantasy that we'd wove around one another. I was wrong to let my obsessive logic cloud the truth - the pure and simple truth of us. How could I think anything about us is false or created in myth? Look at all of the astounding things, the little ways we know what the other is feeling and read each other's minds across the miles. The simple magic we both feel at only the other's touch. I was being foolish, and I'm sorry. You are my everything - how could I live without you in my life? How could I go on if there were no you? "If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend." - Stone Temple Pilots 'cause i'm broken when i'm lonesome and i don't feel light when you're gone away I get very frustrated sometimes at our situation. I want you here with me now. I feel so cheated - seeing other happy couples and wishing they knew how very lucky they are; knowing they take for granted the fact that they can be together. Sometimes nothing seems right without you here. I can be in a room full of people, yet I am still alone. How can one go through life without their other half? Without their exact opposite, the matching part of a pair; I can never relate to anyone, share with anyone or be with anyone and be even a smidgen as complete as I am when I'm with you. Absence extinguishes small passions and increases great ones, as the wind will blow out a candle, and blow in a fire. - Francois La Rochefoucauld the worst is over now and we can breathe again I put this together because I love you so. I had to tell you, because it's been entirely too long since I just waxed poetic on my love for you - on what you do to me - on how painful it is to be without you. And I know that you need to hear these things; even if you do know them already. I think that's what happens in a lot of relationships; people forget that we always wanted to be reminded how much we are loved. If life has taught you and I anything, it is not to take anything for granted. For the past few days, every time I turn on the radio "Hemorrhage" by Fuel has been playing. It's an old song, and until here recently, I haven't head it in over a year on the radio. So why was I hearing it now? The answer came upon me, clear as a bell, but a few days ago. My sweet, sweet Love. Regardless of how insane my life may become, regardless of the many obstacles I am having to face and battles I am having to conquer, regardless that it may make me distant and cold for a time...never, ever, in all of eternity, do you have to worry about losing me. I may be preoccupied, but I'd never forget about you! You silly, silly man for thinking such things! I know I haven't been myself, and I know I've stopped writing and visiting and even being responsive on the phone. I'm sure it's got you in quite a state of anxiety - and longing. I'm sorry, my Love. Forgive me? This letter is my apology, and my reassurance that you haven't lost me - you never will. You're stuck with me; might as well get used to it. I plan to marry you someday, and you think when life gets icky I'm just going to up and leave you in the dust? Not much faith in someone you're wanting to spend the rest of your days with, baby. Oh, I know - you knew I'd come back around and that I was just going through a lot. But admit it, part of you feared. I felt it - and I heard it. I love you, J., with every fiber of my being. You make me feel so loved and so special - you know me as no one else does, and you even understand me. And you still like me after all that - no, scratch that, after knowing and understanding the real, true me you even love me!! How amazing is that? You make me feel on top of the world - simply because you love me so much. Your love gives me strength, it gives me life. You...are...my...everything. I mean it. "Where there is love, there is life." - Mahatma Gandhi Forever yours - S. - - | - Link Back - |
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